Father's Reflection 9.17.23

Jesus gives us one of His most challenging teachings in this Sunday’s readings: to forgive as often as we are hurt by another.

The reason to forgive is also clearly given: “Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?” We forgive others not because they deserve it or because they ask, but because Jesus first forgives us when we don’t deserve it and when we haven’t yet asked.

Jesus gives us more than the teaching; He lives it in the most profound way by asking the Father for those who were currently crucifying Him (and us, by extension): “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

I would argue that right alongside our own sins that we don’t take responsibility for and repent of, unforgiveness is one of the biggest obstacles to experiencing freedom more deeply, the freedom to be loved and to experience Jesus’ peace and healing.

Here are a few clarifying principles that I have found helpful in my own life and in helping others through healing from the wounds that they have received.

What forgiveness is not:
1. forgetting
2. a feeling that we have toward someone 
(we don’t really have control over our feelings or memory)
3. excusing or mitigating the nature of the wrong we received
4. immediately trusting that person

What forgiveness is:
1. acknowledging the full extent of the hurt that was received 
2. a choice that often begins with saying these simple, but difficult words, “Jesus, I forgive them"
3. a process of repeating that choice as often as needed (as often as anger starts welling back up in our heart)
4. having healthy boundaries that, depending on the situation, may allow trust and relationship to grow back

I know this sounds over simplistic, but I am definitely not claiming any of this is easy. I do often say that though forgiveness is hard, carrying the weight of resentment and bitterness is a much harder burden to bear.

We hold on to unforgiveness, anger, and resentment because it gives us the feeling of being in control when we feel like we have lost control through the hurts we have experienced. In reality, we are controlled BY the anger and the enemy manipulates us and uses anything that is unforgiven against us and our communion with God and others. 

Again, I repeat, this is not easy, but saying those simple words out loud can be the first step towards a peace and freedom that Jesus died to give us!

In Jesus’ mercy,

Fr. Joel